Thoughts!

On an odd day when I am lonely and away from work, I do think about you. It is overwhelming how my brain sends the thoughts away and little does distract me on a busy day, but on a day when the sun falls on my face coming right across my front door, it reminds me of you. The morning tea, waking up to your pillow fights , I wouldn’t say I miss it, but yes, it was a good phase in life. The breeze and the coldness in the surroundings make me kind of lazy to get hold of the time in the morning I am waking up to. In the eerie quietness of the night, just when everything around is in absolute awe of the silence, I am gripped by the loneliness by my side. The other half of the bed which is empty, the pillow still there, the side-pillow without which you wouldn’t be able to make your eyelids one, it breathes by my side. I rub my palm over it to feel your last smell left on that. Over the months it has turned a little rough, but I still make it a point to get the covers washed every fortnight.

It does not feel the same though. I wish you are good, wherever you are. It is definitely not you leaving me behind but it is me going too far ahead from where I couldn’t perceive you anymore. In the race of life, it was me who lost. Chasing a dream was too costly maybe, that I didn’t pay enough attention about how you wanted me right by your side and I wasn’t there. I realize that love is the biggest weakness of any man and it is just the biggest strength of a woman. Today, I feel weak because I don’t have you, but the thoughts provides me enough strength to get out of the bed and get about my job.

Our son has grown up. He is 17 and he has apparently everything he requires to survive at this stage but I am sure deep down re rues your absence everyday. A father can never take place of a mother. In a way, he doesn’t always open up to me and I can see that. Sometimes when he is late back home, I wonder where he has been and I know he might be seeing someone but he is just a little awkward sharing that with me. At night when he retires to his room and is sure of the fact that I have fallen asleep, he doesn’t know that I walk down the ally, pace up and down trying to figure out how to cope with the fact to tell him that you didn’t die, but you left me. All he knows is about your death. I wonder shall I ever burden him with the truth? Shall I not? And then when I go back to my den of loneliness and I let the window  open and the moonlight comes across and hits the window bars, it focuses right on the spot where I keep my writing pad, and it is still open on that page where I had ended my last writing the day before you left and I remember the lines, cause I read it every day and it says, ” To the never ending smile that you manage to hold on your face, to the deep dimples they form, I wander about over them every day, my travel begins from there, I go to sleep with them, I wake up to them and yet I fail to catch hold of it, I guess I will never be a part of that magic”.